I’ve been having random musings today. Must be the effect of an early morning session at the gym and the kids being off school.
I don’t like to look back, I’ve had a difficult past, one which would shock most people who knew me, as the usual reaction results in them wondering how I turned out the way I did considering the circumstances.
What I don’t think a lot of people realise is that the reality for most people who suffer trauma or something horrific is that they don’t know life any different to how it is at that time. They just get on with life as if it was part of daily struggles. For those looking in from the outside this is hard to understand.
However it is hindsight that makes reflection on the past, that you can see and realise the severity of the situation. Looking back I realise that a smile can hide a multitude of things, I also know that those who seem to be ok are the ones who are struggling most.
Probably the reason why I went into teaching…I wanted to be the teacher I never had. The person who was able to pick out those students who, like me, put on a fantastic show and to the world where totally happy and secure when inside they feared going home, feared what lay ahead of them that night and was crying out inside for someone to notice I needed to talk.
Now talking is something I am renouned for being very good at. I’ve even caught myself talking out loud to myself several times whilst out running. I count myself lucky that I run in pretty secluded areas as I’m sure I must sound like a right nut job (and there’s me not so long ago saying I turned out alright)
When it comes to talking I am able to manipulate conversation with people to suit me. Mind you I don’t do it all the time only when I’m in difficult situations or if I don’t want to enter into a certain topic. This stands true with years of counselling and able to twist conversation away from the core issues. As with everything there is a time, place and person who will break down that wall whenever you are ready. No amount of skillful help will break that wall down if you aren’t ready to let them.
I guess this reflection today is building up to the point of the title. Here I am today, training for a marathon. Me, Siobhan Grant, with a past that would frighten some people. Sticking two fingers up at the people who my whole life tried to control me and stole so much from me. I’m surrounded by real love and real respect. I’ve some absolutely fantastic friends who have and will support me through thick and thin, including numerous races, post work out DOMS and of course the marathon itself.
So am I at my beautiful destination…I sure am.